unrequited love

waktu liburan ada film ‘the holiday’ di tivi. kira-kira plotnya begini (diambil dari wikipedia) :

The two main characters are Amanda, a highly successful editor of movie trailers in Los Angeles, and Iris, a lovesick society column editor for The Daily Telegraph in England. The story is set in motion when each of them suffers a heartache: Amanda discovers that her boyfriend has cheated on her, while the object of Iris’ unrequited love announces his engagement at the office Christmas party. Seeking an escape, Iris proposes the home swap on the internet, posting an ad about her quaint cottage in the English countryside. Her offer is eagerly accepted by Amanda, who lives in a luxurious home in L.A. but is stressed over her break-up. (There are also hints that Amanda is a workaholic; there is a running gag that she imagines her life as being narrated by movie trailer narrator Hal Douglas.)

sebetulnya gak ada niatan untuk nonton. tivi udah lama kehilangan sihirnya padaku. tapi melihat tokoh iris yang diperankan kate winslet, “Wow!!! gw banget!” iris dihantui bayangan sang mantan, berharap akan ada keajaiban, pujaan hatinya akan datang kembali padanya. saat-saat indah ketika masih berdua terus terbayang, terasa begitu sempurna. kau berusaha keras untuk melupakannya, membuang semua citra semu itu dari kepalamu. tapi semuanya sia-sia, karena si dia, yang walaupun telah berpaling ke lain hati, masih juga terus menghubungimu. membuat bayang wajahnya yang lucu ketika tersenyum semakin sulit untuk dihapus dari benakmu. you just can’t let it go and move on.
aarggggggggh!!!!!!!

Quit

Ça suffit. Quit breaking yourself. Just face it. He won’t be around forever. It’d be better for you to make the quit first.

to love or to regret

To love is not something to regret about. It is something I should cherish and be grateful of, to be able to dedicate my affection to someone or something, no matter how hard it is. Thousand of times I heard myself saying,’This is it. This is the limit. I can’t take any more than this.’ But, hey, love is just limitless. At least for me and in this case. Though with the passing of time it only grows harder to find it in my heart to keep this feeling alive. My head tells me to quit it. But my heart refuses all the time.
Well, maybe I won’t keep this feeling in its former state : a passionate-almost uncontrollable love. I think I’ll just turn it into a more brotherly love. But surely I won’t change it dramatically into a burning hatred, though it does hurt so much and indeed I was tempted to enter the domain of anger and abhorrence. Fortunately I managed to keep my sensibility and I pray that I can be more gentle, kinder, more loving, not just to one in particular but to all beings.

this love

It’s been several days that I sank into oblivion. Into a state of deep paralysis. Devastated. Disintegrated.
What have happened to me? Actually, nothing. And the world revolves as it used to.
I cried as I sat there in a bus hearing the song ‘Simple and clean’ performed by Utada Hikaru. Just like that.
I had confessed my feeling for another man to my significant other. Yet I didn’t feel relieved. It made all feel worse to me. I felt guilty. I still do. To deny my feeling is beyond my capability. But this feeling is to go nowhere as it is nothing but a fantasy. Irreciprocal feeling as it is. I feel so far away from people I love the most.
Feels like I’m completely helpless. Standing at the edge of a cliff, a bottomless ravine below.
I know I am being unreasonable and insensible. Being a negative gloomy person. Being a jerk. Such a loser.
I’ve made some persons fed up with my negativity. But these tears won’t stop from falling across my cheek. This body feels so languid it barely moves.
The images of him smiling at me, which used to make me blush, now only make me shed more tears.
Is it this impossibility which made me plunge into despair? Or the confusion? The inability to make a choice?
I know I must carry on. I don’t know what my significant other feels. But I’m sure he’s ruined, too. Probably even worse than me. Yet he seemed to face it bravely and with such lightheartedness that made me even more ashamed of myself. Of my other love I feel chagrined, too. I never loved him with real sincerity. I expected something from him. I expected him to love me back. I guess that’s what had made all this mess. I expected something out of impossibility. I knew exactly it would fail somehow, yet stubbornly I kept hoping. Now that the pieces of reality have crept into my sense, I perish from this fantasy world I’ve created. Part of me still denies it, but then the others have decide to halt. This battle between feelings exhausted me body and soul. Yes, I guess that’s it. It should be easier, this one. I’ve come into something worse than this. Far worse. Back then I had more reasons to believe. The illusion was almost perfect that it was hard not to be deceived. But now there is no illusion at all. It’s just me who’s disillusioned. I must learn to accept. Must learn to be grateful. Must learn to forgive. And above all, learn to love with candour.
I know I am loved, not just by one but by many. So I owe these love that must be shared and spread all across the globe.

no ordinary love

I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love
Didn’t I tell you
What I believe
Somebody say that
A love like that won’t last
Didn’t I give you
All that I’ve got to give baby
I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love
I keep crying
I keep trying for you
There’s nothing like you and I baby
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love
When you came my way
You brightened every day
With your sweet smile
Didn’t I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won’t last
Didn’t I give you
All that I’ve got to give baby
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love
I keep crying
I keep trying for you
There’s nothing like you and I baby
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love
Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying I’m falling
I’m falling
Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying and I’m falling
and I’m falling

(‘no ordinary love’ by Sade)

don’t say you love me

I’ve seen this place a thousand times
I’ve felt this all before
And every time you call
I’ve waited there as though you might not call at all
I know this face I’m wearing now
I’ve seen this in my eyes
And though it feels so great, I’m still afraid
That you’ll be leaving anytime
We’ve done this once and then you closed the door
Don’t let me fall again
nothing more

Don’t say you love me unless forever
Don’t tell me you need me, if you’re not gonna stay
Don’t give me this feeling, I’ll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away

I’ve caught myself smiling alone
Just thinking of your voice
and dreaming of your touch
it’s all too much
you know I don’t have any choice

Don’t say you love me unless forever
Don’t tell me you need me, if you’re not gonna stay
Don’t give me this feeling, I’ll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away

(‘don’t say you love me’ by the corrs)

un natural

sebenernya ini postingan lama di myspace-ku. Sama juga kaya postingan di bawah. Entah kenapa pengen memuatnya lagi di sini.

‘Isn’t it enough that I love you?’
‘No. it shall never be’
‘But why?’
‘Because, your love to me, it’s forbidden, it’s unnatural. The world is against it.’
‘So, what’s the problem with that? What I know is that I love you. No force whatsoever on earth can change that. I love you. I love you!’
‘Stop it! Stop it! Don’t you dare ever say that again to me! Or else…’
‘What? What? You’ll kick my ass? Punch me to death?’
‘No! Or else, I shall not see you again.’
‘That’s… that’s so unfair of you. You know how much I love you.’
‘Do you really believe this world is fair? It isn’t. At all. You should start to learn to accept that.’
‘No! I won’t!’
‘Oh, damn it! You know it isn’t gonna work after all.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because…because I don’t love you. That’s why. I love you but not as much as you do me, and not the way you do. I love you as a friend, as a brother. That’s all.’
‘Umm…ok. I can live with that. No matter what, I still love you.’
‘Damn it! You wouldn’t make it any easier for both of us, would you?’
‘I guess I always like it tough and rough. Though it may seem so cliché, I will always love you. I dare not hoping you’ll love me in return. But to love you, that I cannot give up.’
‘Well, so you have decided, it seems.’
‘Yes, i have.’
‘Well, i respect your decision. I will say no more of that. Love me, if you wished so. But nothing in return i could give you.’
‘I completely comprehend that. I ask you nothing for the love I give.’
‘That is so flattering. I’m so honoured to be the object of your affection. That kind of unconditional love you showed me is beyond my comprehension and my capability. You must’ve thought how ungrateful i am for not being touched at all by your love.’
‘It never crossed my mind. changes nothing at all. I love you for everything you are. Even if you’d turn against me, i will love you still’

Hide n seek continued

(Really is) hide and seek.
I stayed invisible, you spied for me.
You hid yourself, I went mad.
Hey, don’t stare at me with such a face! You was away with your friends, so, couldn’t I go with mine?
Yes, you have no rights to look at me with such cold eyes!
Couldn’t be more fair than that, could it?
Don’t expect me to sat still, watching this silly pinky clock ticking the time until you’re back home, rotting here in this cold damp place, not knowing when you’ll be by my side again.
Well, I am not that blind, I’m sorry.
You’d say I don’t love you that much so that I can’t just wait patiently, well I’m quite sure you shall say that. Doesn’t bother me at all. I know the truth myself.
Of my heart I need nobody to tell what I feel. I feel the way I am.
I love the way I love.

(Just so that you know, you’re not that good looking! You’re handsomer when you’re not smiling, when you’re serious but not gloomy!)

Himself

He has been (kind of) (almost) back into his own self.

You know, my dear?
Love is just amazing.
It lets you find things you never thought you would before.
Treasures.
The dark side of the moon.

You walked, and suddenly you realized that you were in a some place new.
Isn’t it exciting?
Yes, and a bit scary indeed.

As it grows bigger, slowly you lose control of it. All you can do is hoping that this ship won’t crash into some big rocks. And sink.

No more!

Bagaimana cara membuatnya sadar akan keberadaanmu?
Tinggalin aja dia.
Ya, sepertinya tiada jalan lain.
Terdengar pahit dan mengerikan.
Tapi apa kau punya pilihan?
Sudah cukup.
Cinta tidak selalu harus buta.
Kesabaran pun ada batasnya.
You want more, you gotta give more.
No more endless sacrifice.
(Oh, saudariku, bantulah aku dengan doa-mu. Biar ku kuat tuk mengirimkan satu saja sms itu- Tidak lagi!)

Always

Open your eyes I see
Your eyes are open
Wear no disguise for me
Come into the open
When it’s cold outside
Am I here in vain?
Hold on to the night
There will be no shame
Always
I wanna be with you
And make believe with you
And live in harmony harmony oh love

From ‘always’ performed by Erasure